


I smell the roses, I am brave

by harlequindream



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 12:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8578549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harlequindream/pseuds/harlequindream
Summary: I kind of wrote this in two parts, weeks apart, so I'm sorry if the ~tone of it changes. xo





	

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of wrote this in two parts, weeks apart, so I'm sorry if the ~tone of it changes. xo

The bedroom smells like her, and Erin doesn’t want to be in there.

Her bedroom smells like Jillian Holtzmann, and it’s too much. The scent - fresh scorch marks, mens deodorant, soap, lighter fluid, and something inherently Holtz - is too much. It’s going straight to Erin’s head. Making her feel weak and sick to her stomach. 

It makes her think of how much she has come to like Jillian Holtzmann. _Like-like her._ There’s almost always something between them now. They’ve been working together for months, they hang out after work, they stay at each others apartments, and they fall asleep on each others beds. 

Holtz likes leaning against Erin; Erin is too scared to touch her. Almost afraid Holtz will take it the wrong way and they won’t be close anymore. Wants to touch her all the time, to just pull her in and kiss her until she’s breathless and asking for more. Erin wants to run her hands through Holtzmann’s hair, to smell the scorch marks and conditioner on her fingers afterwards. Wants to smell it wherever she goes.

But it makes her feel sick, because Erin is brave and fearless: in the face of ghosts, not against pretty girls she’s liked for too long. Her anxiety holds her back, afraid that doing anything will cause Holtz to suddenly hate her. Erin remembers a girl in college. She was just shorter than Erin, had soft brown hair with soft curls to match, and Erin remembers asking her if she wanted to go on a date. The girl laughed and said, “I’m not gay, leave me alone.” Erin remembers writing down in her journal she’d never ask out a pretty girl again.

Now she can just smell Holtz in her bedroom, on her sheets, on her pillow. Like she’s always been there, and Erin needs to get out. To not have that in her mind right now.

She grabs her jacket and leaves her apartment, doesn’t know where’s she going but it’s not going to be home for a while. Wonders if she should have opened the window up to let the fresh air flush out Holtz.

Erin’s neighbourhood is quiet, hardly anybody around; she starts running. She hasn’t got proper sneakers on, but her Converse’s will do. She doesn’t know why she’s running, or where exactly she’s going to, but she doesn’t stop for twenty minutes. Out of breath, and she can hear the blood pumping through her body, she stops by a convenience store, checking her pockets for any money. There’s a ten dollar note in her back pocket so she buys herself some water, and finds the nearest bench.

Running is not her thing, but freaking out about Holtz is, and one thing must be tied to the other, Erin thinks. 

Her bedroom smells like Holtz, and she wants to go back there. Suddenly can’t stand to be away from it. Erin _hates_ running. Despises it, and uses every excuse she can when she has to run for something. She’s a smart woman, and she knows why she’s running. It’s a metaphor about Holtz. She’s running from one of the best things in her life because she’s scared. Erin hates this about herself. Runs when something _genuinely_ nice could happen in her life. She ran from Abby, because she wanted it so much, but she was scared. She chose an easier path, and left her best friend. 

There’s a street sign not far from Erin’s view, and she realizes she's ran all the way to Holtzmann’s neighbourhood. There’s a hundred reasons why she should just head home, forget what she did, how far she has come. Maybe just burn some incense in her bedroom. Though she doesn’t want to do that, otherwise she wouldn’t be _here._

It takes Erin at least ten minutes to decide she’s going to see if Holtz is home. It’s Sunday; it’s their day off. And generally Holtz goes home on Sunday’s, because it took weeks for Erin and the others to convince her to do so. To have one day off for herself, away from her lab. So she should be home, and Erin wants to see her. To breathe her in once more. To give her a hug and feel alright about everything for a moment, even if it’s Holtz who is causing this minor breakdown inside her mind.

She walks calmly yet determined. She’s mustered enough courage to at least walk to her friends building. And soon enough she’s standing outside, looking at the apartment numbers. Erin tells herself to just do it, but there’s a lump in her throat and a knot in her stomach and suddenly she isn’t sure that this is what she wants anymore.

Does she _want_ Holtzmann? Yes, of course. Except, what if it doesn’t turn out the way she’s been thinking about. What if Holtz doesn’t kiss her back, and have kind eyes, and tell her she’s been waiting for this. What if she tells Erin that maybe they should just stay friends, because they work well together like that. They’re good friends, and what if Holtz just doesn’t _want her back._

Erin raises a finger up to the button that has apartment 3C next to it, with Holtzmann’s name in messy handwriting. She raises her finger, but does nothing. She can’t do this. She needs this too much, and she’s terrified. A voice in the back of her head tells her to just go home, try again another day. Maybe just watch Holtz more and see if there could be something between them. To not just do this spontaneously. _Just wait._

Spontaneous can be bad. It tells someone that they haven’t thought their decision through. It’s too spur of the moment and that’s not what be expected from Erin. Erin makes plans, she doesn’t just _do_ something. And what if Holtz needs something more than that. More than Erin’s spontaneity. It’s ridiculous to think that though, because Holtzmann is one of the most spontaneous people she’s ever known. Which could be the exact reason why the woman would want more when someone is confessing their feelings for her.

Her hand drops away, and Erin turns to leave.

And by the twists of… Fate? Destiny? Utter bad luck? Holtz is walking towards her, a paper bag in her arms and a surprised grin on her face. A breeze picks up and in a second Erin can smell Holtz again. That intoxicating scent she knows she loves too much and has been secretly waiting for ever since she left her apartment. Holtz stops before her, a confused yet cheerful look on her face. Her eyes happy behind her yellow-tinted glasses. Erin forgets to breathe, just for a moment.

“Hey you,” Holtz greets. It’s music to Erin’s ears. The voice in her head mocking her.

“Uh, h-hey, Holtzmann,” Erin stutters.

“What brings you here to these parts then?” Holtz pulls out her keys and clumsily unlocks the door since she’s holding the grocery bag, gesturing for Erin to step inside first. She does, slowly and precisely. She feels like she’s getting herself in too deep just by being here.

“I, um, was just walking around and thought I’d pop by.” It’s not a lie, not exactly. She didn’t _think_ about any of this. 

“I’m glad,” Holtz beams, going to walk up the stairs. The lift is broken, always has been as far as Erin knows. 

“You are?” Her heart beats uncharacteristically fast, and Erin isn’t sure what to do anymore. Maybe she’ll stay for ten minutes and go home. Or she could sit down for a coffee and some light chit-chat. Maybe she’ll pluck up the courage to _tell_ her friend how she feels. If she could even figure out how to put these feelings into words.

“Always happy to see you, Gilbert.”

As a friend though, most likely, Erin thinks, that small voice taking over. Just like how Erin is always happy to see Abby and Patty at the start of the day. What she feels about Holtz is so much more; so different. 

They reach Holtz’s apartment door, and Holtz struggles with the bag and the door. See, Erin knows you have to shove the door a little because it jams.

“Let me,” Erin whispers and grabs Holtz’s keys from her, their hands touching briefly, and the engineers hands are hot. They always are. Erin’s mind drifts for just a second; oh, how those hands would feel on her skin, and she drops the keys. “Shit, sorry,” she mutters and as she bends to pick them up she notices how Holtz doesn’t step back, doesn’t let her have more space, and when she’s upright Holtz feels closer to her. They’re so close, and Erin can smell the soap on Holtz’s skin, the conditioner in her hair. It’s too fucking _much_ and Erin swiftly turns away from Holtz, opening her door, pushing against it. Erin gives the keys back to Holtz, moving half way across the room already because she can’t be that close to this woman right now. Not when she wants to much and is to scared to go get it.

“You seem a bit weird,” Holtz notices. She drops the paper bag by the door and kicks off her shoes. Erin just stares at her, can’t look away because Holtz is glowing today. She seems so happy and vibrant and Erin feels a little jealous she can’t look that carefree sometimes. She’s just not the type, but she is learning more and more these days. But she can notice it when this woman looks this way, appreciates it too because this is possibly Erin’s favourite sight in the world.

Erin stays silent, can’t exactly figure out why. She stands there proving Holtzmann’s point that she’s acting weird. This apartment smells like nothing but Holtz, and it’s going to her head. She’s spent all day thinking about it and now she’s overwhelmed by it. It’s filling her senses and in a way it makes Erin finally feel brave for once. She going to do this. Just tell Holtz how she feels.

Silence.

Holtz steps towards her, Erin’s breath hitches.

More silence.

“Erin,” Holtz mutters softly. “What’s wrong?” She looks concerned, and now Erin feels bad she’s the one causing that look on her face. Causing that wary tone in her voice. This isn’t how it should be happening; it should be happier.

Erin opens her mouth to speak, to say anything, but she can’t. She genuinely cannot form words.

Holtz steps closer again, so close Erin can feel her body heat, and Erin’s eyes shut. She can’t look at this woman in front of her. She feels ashamed that she can’t even _look_ at her. She was so determined mere moments ago

“Erin, whatever it is you can tell me, okay?” Holtz places a hand on her arm, just above Erin’s elbow, and Erin’s hand snaps up to grabs Holtz’s arm in return. Takes a deep breath, completely audible, and she leans in slightly. 

Erin forces her eyes open and Holtz has this look. It’s… It takes Erin’s breath away - what else is new. There’s worry, and kindness, and concern in her eyes but there’s this hint of something more. Something Erin has seen before, but it’s not a look that her friends give her. Not her _friends._

_Now or never, Gilbert…_

Erin sways forward, tilting her head to one side, observes how Holtz tilts the opposite way, like she wants this too. And fuck, Erin hopes she does. Hopes and wishes with her entire soul that she isn’t about to get rejected. Their lips touch, but they haven’t kissed yet. Holtz is waiting for her, she can feel it. _And she’s come this far._ Erin presses her lips against Holtz’s. 

_Soft._

She doesn’t know if Holtz is that soft or if she’s just not kissing her hard enough, but it feels like enough. Erin whimpers, because suddenly this is real. She’s kissing Jillian Holtzmann, and she doesn’t want to pull away so instead she kisses harder, and she learns that this woman is really that so soft, her lips are gentle and smooth and _soft._

There’s the scent of face wash floating into her senses, another scent to add to her list, and Erin can _finally_ smell the scorch marks on Holtz’s skin now that she’s this close. Like they’re a permanently ingrained into her pores.

Erin pulls away slowly, finding it a difficult task. There’s only one thing she’s thinking and those words pour out her mouth before she can stop them. “You smell so good.”

Holtz grins, _and laughs._ It’s sweet, it’s happy. It’s as gorgeous as a wind chime. “Is that what you came here to tell me?” Holtz smiles, and now Erin really can’t stop herself.

She goes to kiss her again. She needs to feel Holtz against her. And against all of Erin’s doubts about how this would go Holtz presses her body closer, actually putting a hand on the back of Erin’s neck and pulling her in more. Erin feels a tongue at the edge of her lips and nothing has ever felt better. Feels perfect because it’s Jillian Holtzmann, genuinely kissing her back. They fit together so well, like they were made for each other, and Erin realizes the cliche in that but she doesn’t care because cliche’s exist for a reason.

They pull away from each other and Erin keeps her eyes closed for now, trying to capture this moment in her mind, trying to keep it safe already. Then a thumb is on her cheek and it feels wet. Why is Holtz’s thumb wet?

“You’re crying,” Holtz whispers, barely audible but Erin catches it. She looks at Holtz, wiping at her cheeks and sure enough she seems to be crying

“Oh, no. I, um,” Erin chokes back a sob, one she didn’t even know she had coming. Holtz wraps her arms around Erin and shushes her, so gentle and comforting. This wasn’t how it was meant to go.

Erin pulls away and forces herself to speak, because crying after you’ve kissed someone probably isn’t normal. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” she confesses.

Holtz nods encouragingly and is about to speak but Erin shakes her head and the other woman shuts her mouth, doesn’t make a sound.

“I’m just gonna say this,” she steels herself, needing to explain. “It’s one thing for me to have wanted to do this for so long, but you-” Her voice cracks. “ _You_ kissed me back, like you wanted to, and I swear no one has ever done that before. I mean, no one has ever really wanted me back.”

“Erin, let’s get one thing clear; I’ve been wanting to do that too,” Holtz smiles encouragingly. Erin raises her eyebrows. “For so _freakin’_ long, I’ll tell ya that now.”

Now Erin laughs, briefly but she does. Sighs her sobs and tears away because Holtz is here, telling her that her feelings are reciprocated and it’s just a little unexpected, perhaps a little overwhelming, but Erin has never felt better.

Holtz leans in, kisses her cheek, her nose, her forehead, finally her lips again. “Hell yeah, I can kiss Erin Gilbert now,” Holtz beams, her mouth curving into a grin that Erin feels like kissing off her face.

“You can kiss me whenever you want, _if_ you want,” Erin blushes as she speaks, taking Holtz’s hands into her own.

Holtz winks, which apparently is her only answer. Erin understands it, she knows what it means even though not long ago she had complete doubts about any of this. 

They spend the afternoon together, and the evening, and when Holtz is falling asleep on Erin’s shoulder the older of the two decide it’s better if they go to bed. Erin borrows a large shirt to sleep in, one that has Holtz’s distinctive smell all over it. When Erin drops onto the bed she’s nervous but happy as she curls into Jillian’s side. Buries her face into the woman’s neck and breathes in. Everything in her mind settles, because Holtz is warm and soft and smells so good that Erin doesn’t think she’ll be able to let go of her now that she’s got her.

See, Erin _is_ a brave woman, especially in the face of ghosts. She’s brave in the face of pretty girls too as it turns out, but only if she’s right beside them. Or rather her. Just the one pretty girl. One gorgeous, funny, crazy and amazing girl. Erin is brave _because_ Jillian Holtzmann is beside her. Maybe that’s the two things that are tied together in the end, and Erin’s good with that.


End file.
